The Concept of 'Jung'

I turned 35 on the 21st of May.

The first person to greet me was my son. He sang me a birthday song, that morning, the moment I opened my eyes. While still in bed, my husband greeted me and gave me a birthday kiss. Then in the evening, my parents-in-law, arranged for an expensive birthday dinner at my favorite sushi place in Anyang. For a gift, my hubby bought me a pair of dangling earrings and a gold band which we picked up at the jeweller's a day later. A day earlier I got e-greetings from several nice people.

Perfect day? Not quite. Not one of my Pinoy relatives remembered nor bothered to greet me online. But they do remember me when they have needs and requests. And my fair-weather Pinoy friends remember that I exist when I can be useful to them.  I am furious at the people whom I hold dear for they have devalued me that day.

I come to realize that in my relationships I assume the role of the pleaser and the giver. And if these people do not return my kindness, I give them the benefit of the doubt. I continue to be nice to them. For what?....nothing. I get totally nothing from them... not even a spark of emotional gratification.

Why should one invest time, energy & affection on those who do not value the other as a person? Kindness begets kindness. This will be my indefatigable rule, today and onwards. I will be helpful to those who help me. I'll be useful to those who are useful to me. Ignore those who ignore me. And spite those who spite me. I am tired of being a Polyanna.

Relationships should not be kept just for the sake of having it. It is tragically depressing that so many people call each other friends, lovers and relatives but do not mean it. I do not want to be a part of this ridiculously pitiful charade.

What nurtures people is the fellowship with others that is true, faithful and strongly bonded by honest affection and devotion. One that endures time and even absence over long periods.

Koreans call this 'jung'. In my long years in Korea I see this happen again and again. I am extremely moved by the subtle expression of affection and yet truly felt and received. Friends who haven't seen each other in years connect instantly as if time hadn't separated them at all. People who are close to my husband stay close for years on end. And they extend this 'jung' to me. I feel an honest acceptance and compassion from my Korean friends. With them I can lower my defenses knowing confidently that they won't judge me for what I have and don't have. With my relationships with fellow Pinoys, I am always  an heiron for I feel the necessity of wearing a mask. 

I believe that kinship, friendship, and all other forms of human alliance is in effect throughout history for the very purpose of human connection. If there is an emotional vacuum in a relationship then it should be ended. For in continuing so what purpose does it serve?

Koreans say that in the absence of 'jung' people must go separate ways and find others whom they can connect with. Sensible advice, I must say.

Comments

[Dorothy]

my gosh ate raqs! bday mo nga pala last sunday! so sorry, isa ako sa mga pinoy relatives mo who forgot about it. been having my own issue lately.

anyway, here's a long delayed & belated happy birthday!

[Naomi]

Hi MS. Raqs, I couldn't agree more to what you wrote about "jung" . and i'm feeling guilty about it, it happens to me too sometimes. I knew it was your birthday coz i had a birthday alarm but couldn't get the chance to greet you. I could see your whole point and I'm terribly feeling sorry about it. Anyway, I was one of the people who are greatly indebted to you....This might be too late but anyway happy birthday^.~

[silvia]

i was really moved by this and i couldn't help myself from crying wow corny no but it's true. i wasn't so close to you then because the person who introduced you to me always said negative things about you. but now that i know who is who well that will change the situation. i bitterly regretted investing my time to those people who are deceitful and not real. people who really don't know the essence and real meaning of friendship. what you mentioned are all true. anyway, we learn from our experience so let's be more careful in the future. go for it my dear you're not alone.

[Raquel]

I have helped this person on more than one occasion. What did I get in return,--Judas' kiss and a stab in the back.
Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned! Grrr!

[silvia]

take it easy baka masira ang beauty mo. sleep on it and hope for good things that will come along. sweet dreams.

[MARIJOY INDIG -]

why haven't I happen to read this post right when you had this in your blog?

let me just say...though its kinda'late...

I TOTALLY AGREE with your opinion...anyway, I am not one of the guilty ones coz I didn't miss greeting you on your birthday!kkk...

[Munseong]

WHAT HELP DID YOU GIVE HER?
HOW WERE U ABLE TO COME HERE?

[Raquel]

My response to the above questions posted by Munseong (aka R.M.J.)

1. a) I gave you a job when you needed a job in Manila.I didn't want to hire you because cashflow was tight as my school business then was a still in its infancy. But for friendship's sake I did. I hired you and gave you a job.

b) My husband gave you and your hubby FREE business consultation again on account of frienship.

c) I instigated a meeting with PNU VIP's. They contacted ME NOT YOU. They do not even remember you. You were a ghost to them until that fortunate day. You didn't know they were coming. Out of good intention I set up that meeting with you, so you could have a headstart with your biz which resulted in a positive transaction.

2. My husband brought me to Korea. I owe this to him alone. You did not introduce my husband to me. You did not even know him. You knew him the first time you started working for me in Manila. We were already married then. I had already been in Korea before my husband and I set up our business in Manila. So in short I don't owe a debt of gratitude to you for my coming to Korea. Why? Because you didn't help at all, as a matter of fact you tried to prevent me from coming to Korea.

Here's a final note to you, RMJ:

I have moved on so I want to be detached. Let us both be civil and give each other peace by living our separate lives. I am ok with my life you are ok with your life. We don't need to be friends. We don't need each other. We are both happier without each other. So let's keep it at that. I wish you well.